Goodbye

Dear followers,

As of tonight, misguidedheros.tumblr.com will cease to exist due to personal complications. I wish you all the best, and thank you all for the help and support you have given me.

Goodnight to every little hour that you sleep tight.

Ian.

Hurt

It’s funny how people always assume things of me. I never speak ill of anyone, especially not the ones I love. Yet, I am still accused of bringing down people’s self confidence. I write a few blog posts to get things out of my crowded mind, to which no one who knows me reads, and suddenly I’m the devil in blonde hair. Anyone who goes through my blog and reads all my /tagged/me posts will instantly know that I have severe emotional damage, so much so that suicide was an option I was considering. I have fought tooth and nail to get my mind to at least push out certain negative thoughts, numbing myself to all form of emotion, yet somehow I’m the bad guy. I have had my entire future stolen from me, along with everything I ever believed in, including my faith in love, and I’m not the victim in this unfortunate event. I beg to differ considering I have nightmares nearly every night of you. I have severe anxiety when I think of you. You were the light of my life, the reason for my existence, and you decided to throw it all away without a second chance. I have shed too many tears, cursed God too many times to be accused of this. If I have ever said anything negative about you, it’s that I still cared about you. I would never hurt you like you hurt me. You’re creating this little world around you where I’m out looking at every possible way to ruin your life when in reality, I’m sitting here every night with my computer on my lap, reading every single post you make, hoping to God that one day you’ll be happy and that I’ll be able to forget about you. You’re not the one that came out under here; you’re in love, you’re supposedly happy with this guy, and I’m here wishing things were like they were two years ago. I WISH I had the courage to talk shit about you, but I can’t even call you a bitch. Last night’s post was my own personal insecurity with love. I don’t believe I’ll ever find it again, and I said nothing to hurt you or anyone else. In all fairness, if I did anything with that post, I complimented you by saying you were intelligent, cute and funny. If you read past the first paragraph, you’d see the pain in my heart when I try and move on from you. 

I hope one day you move on from your jaded thoughts of everyone trying to frame you, because I did nothing wrong but express how I felt. If you have ANYTHING against that, you can take your opinion and fuck off because this is a free country, and I will NOT be censored for how I feel. If you don’t like it, stop reading my damn blog and forget about me, like I thought you did long ago. I hope you know your idea of vigilante justice is causing more pain than anything because I still have feelings for you. 

You hurt me Olivia.

Ian.

P.S.: You don’t have to send your little errand boy to fight your own battles because this isn’t about him, this is about you and me. 

The Girl.

Last post, I mentioned a girl I’ve sort of been talking to. I have a crush on her, no doubt. She’s very intelligent, funny, cute and athletic. She has a great taste in music and she drives stick, so naturally she has my attention. She’s pretty but doesn’t quite know it, showing that she’s modest about herself. She’s brunette with brown eyes, all from her Italian and Polish lineage. She’s not very tall, and she’s not like every other girl. I could probably get with a dumb bimbo with big tits and brains the size of grains of sand, but they don’t attract me. It’s the simple girls, the girls that aren’t considered “hot” by social expectations. Her taste in music ranges from Kings of Leon to Tool, with some Led Zeppelin in the middle. She plays guitar, though she claims she’s horrible since she never practices. Then again, how could she? She must be way too busy studying since she’s gonna do to university in Math. She plays hockey, and is an avid hockey fan. She likes to have a good time, yet she’s got a lot yet to experience. She’s honest, doesn’t like to lie at all, and won’t even lie to her parents about going out with people. She’s respectful towards people, speaks French well and would never hurt a fly. Ideally, she’s what I look for in a girl, someone I could go out with for years.

Yet something bothers me. I’m not too sure who I’m describing right now, her or my ex. I’m not in love with her, most likely because I don’t believe in it. I don’t dream about her, but she puts a smile to my face when we speak, just like my ex used to. I’m not sure if she is interested in me like I am with her, but I’m playing it slowly and casually. I’m not sure what this is; another chance at romantic bliss or another chance to fuck up my life again. Everything seems too good to be true, I’ve learnt that with time. If I do pursue her, do I fall in love and chase the dream of “Happily ever after” or does it fail exactly like it once failed before? Can I go through another relationship knowing that I still have feelings for my ex-girlfriend? Can I ever even love again the way I used to? I get the feeling that another relationship will just make me feel like it will fail at any moment. Maybe I’m just looking for the next best thing to what I already had, to get out of this ditch I’m in. I don’t know where I’m at right now, let alone prepared to love again.

Terrified of the future,

Ian.